Get 'er done

While driving in Ypsi yesteday, I came up behind a car, the brand of which I do not remember. But for all intents and purposes, let’s say it was an H2, since there seem to be more and more of these cinder blocks on wheels around.

Before addressing my main concern, allow me to rant a bit on these vestiges of war. The average fuel efficiency of these tanks is 10 miles per gallon. I’m inclined to think most underdeveloped countries could develop something better using only tree bark and mosquitoes. My new car gets 26 miles per gallon, and it would be higher if they had had the one I wanted in stock. Since the Mazda3 is apparently a popular car (thus must hang out together in a secret society, cause I sure as hell haven’t seen them), I had to steal the first car with keys in the ignition, which happened to be a Yugo. Now, those unfamiliar with the luxury of a Yugo are in for a treat:



Introduced in the summer of 1986 at a price of $3990, The Yugo was a unique automobile that really defies description, but I’ll try. As the picture on the left indicates, the Yugo is similar to a Chevy Nova, but shittier. The image on the right suggests the woman sitting on the hood is freakishly huge, but in reality the Yugo was an extremely tiny car. The girl was part of the most successful marketing campaign ever, in which every Yugo came with one hot chick. The only drawback was that she had to remain on the hood, which became the premise for many profitable adult movies.

My Dad, whose name is Wendall, had one in his late thirties (he can’t ever seem to pass up the free woman deals) and all I can remember is that, in some strange way, the car smelled like the Yugoslav, despite the obvious fact that I’ve never been. But who has, honestly? You never see your neighbors pack up the kids, and wave goodbye to you, saying “See you next week Charlie, we’re going to the ‘Slav!” Among the Yugo’s characteristics were a window crank that busted completely off (as well as my Dad’s brother’s Yugo) and the violent shaking that would commense when behind a semi-truck that made you scared for your life.

So before a vein of digression explodes in my head, allow me to get back to Hummer’s. When a company’s motto is “It’s not more than you need, just more than you’re used to” you know they don’t give a shit. They know it’s more than anyone needs, save Kyle Reese. And we know that too. We, for reasons I’ll never figure out, just don’t care. We want the biggest fucking thing on the road that will absolutely destroy smaller cars, like our good friend the Yugo. Not that I want anyone to get hurt, but I’d like to see a head on collision with an H2 and say, a Miata. Maybe then, when the driver (who is undoubtedly either a redneck or a soccer mom) steps 3 feet down from their unscathed Hummer and sees that the other car and driver is completely under theirs, will they realize “Hey, I probably shouldn’t be spending 50 grand on a car that might as well be spraying CFC-injected canisters directly into the ozone.” I’m not holding my breath though.

So anyway, like I said a long time ago, there was a main concern that has inadvertently been misplaced. I came upon this H2 which seriously looked like this:



with the intricate art being those “Support our troops” stickers everyone has seen. Now, I’m all for supporting the soldiers that are doing the duties I sure as hell don’t want to be doing, I just don’t support the cause, but that’s a whole different digression that time and space won’t allow for.

The problem I have with this picture (which was Photoshopped, but I’m sure you’ve seen similar situations) is this inane sense of patriotism that people feel the need to prove ever since 9/11. And there’s nothing wrong with that, but you can’t prove it with stickers. I saw a guy about a week ago that had 6 flags flailing all about—one on each corner and then two on the roof where it meets the windshield. This was commonplace in the weeks following 9/11, but can’t we see how ridiculous it is now, especially on the tops of cars that everyone hates us for? Drive to Canada, and see how many SUVs you see…it’s amazing.

How about this, instead of adding that 14th sticker to prove you’re more supportive of the troops than anyone else, how about you do something that actually helps them? You know, like voting for someone who would have at least tried to get them out soon, rather than the guy who extends tours involuntarily and calls up the reserves because, no matter what, we gotta get ‘er done.

Alright, the next post will be a little lighter.