You seals take our land, pollute our water...

The other day I remembered a paradox from my youth. From an early age, I had always just sort of known that there was no such thing as a picture of a young Steven Seagal. It was peculiar: obviously he hadn’t been born a 6’4’’ swizzle stick, so it would be assumed that he was at one point in time a smaller, more docile human being. However, this contradicts the whole ethos of Steven Seagal, who, as you may recall, looks like this most of the time:

You see, to understand Steven Seagal the man, you have to understand the kind of man Steven Seagal portrays in his movies, which is to say one who is hell-bent on revenge. For what exactly, is immaterial. What matters here is that he is PISSED and he is going to punch you, and then shoot you.

Worried about being typecast, Steven Seagal has an amazing variety of movies that he has been in. Ranging from a cop who avenges his murdered family to a bounty hunter that avenges his close friend’s murdered family, Seagal’s career has really run touched upon all the cinematic genres.

As a treat for all you SS fans out there, I have prepared a little game called Spot the Common Theme, or simply, SCOTLAND. Just look at the following picture (but not yet!) and see if you can identify something that connects all the movies. Before you start though, I want to give the same disclaimer that Dan Brown gives on his website: “[This] is very difficult. Only a very small percentage of people who visit this site have broken it. Don't get frustrated. Keep trying!” I’ve spent the better part of my life creating this puzzle, so I expect it will take some time to crack. Just know that there is a running theme here, because Steven Seagal is just that fucking crazy and smart.

Equally as intriguing are the titles of his films, which consistently break the mold of what can be expected from the name of a movie. And Steven isn’t just a 7^th degree black belt in aikido, fuuuuuuuuuuck no; he’s also a literary genius of the ages. It’s sad that so few people know about it, because his tongue is also a 7^th degree black belt...in speaking. He absolutely melts the hearts of all people within earshot each time he chooses to open his mouth and enlighten them. And it doesn’t even have to be about anything significant. He could be talking about Nigerian nationalism and all the girls would still line up just to touch him, just like in Hard to Kill, pictured above.

All the girls want to do him.

All the guys want to be him.

And everybody just wants to know him.

It saddens me when I think of how articulate he is in his films and in real life (we hang out every Thursday, right now he’s on my porch sweeping up dog shit) and the fact that most people don’t even realize it when they hear him. As a public service, I have gathered some of his most inspirational lines from over the years. Grab a box of Kleenex folks, there won’t be a dry eye in the house!

Above The Law (three-word-common-expression for a movie title count: 1)
Nico Toscani: You guys think you're above the law... well you ain't above mine!

Hard To Kill (2)
Mason Storm: We're outgunned, and undermanned. But you know sumpin'? We're gonna win. You know why? Superior attitude. Superior state of mind.

Some time later, confronting the bad guy:
Mason Storm: This is for my wife. Fuck you and die!

Marked For Death (3)
John Hatcher: You bailed out a Jamaican street named Monkey the other day, I want him. This other piece of shit, Screwface, I want him. I know you're a scumbag and a puke, I don't mind that, but give me what I need and I'll leave here a nice guy. If you don't, I'm gonna fuck you up.

Out For Justice (4)
Detective Gino Felino: You, fuck nuts!
Station Wagon Tough Guy: Hey, you talkin’ to me?
Detective Gino Felino: Yeah, would you happen to be the guy who threw a puppy out of the window of this car the other day?
Station Wagon Tough Guy: Hey, why's that your fuckin' business anyway?
Detective Gino Felino: Cause I'm the animal lover.
Station Wagon Tough Guy: Animal lover, huh? Look, asshole, if you won't mind your fuckin' business I'll place you in the fuckin' receptacle and toss you out of the fuckin' window. How about that?
Detective Gino Felino: You're the tough guy, huh?
Station Wagon Tough Guy: Tough guy? I'll show you how fuckin' tough guy I am.

On Deadly Ground (5)
Forrest Taft: For 350,000 dollars I'd fuck anything once.

Exit Wounds
Orin Boyd: What am I, a shit magnet?

A bit later, in an obviously better mood:
Orin Boyd: You see this? This is a happy face. You'll be lucky to ever have a face as happy as this.

The Foreigner
Dunoir: It was the least I could do after you killed me twice.
Jonathon Cold: Sorry about that, but you know what they say, three's a charm.
Jonathon Cold: [Dunoir tries to open the package] Don't do that. If you touch it again, I will blow your 2-inch dick off.

Belly Of The Beast
Jake Hopper: I liked you a lot better as a bitch.

Out Of Reach (6)
William Lancing: This is my favorite moment in life.
Faisal: What's that?
William Lancing: That's when the predator becomes the prey.
Faisal: Also my favorite moment, but it remains to be seen whose the predator and who is the prey.

Into The Sun (7)
Travis Hunter: [Travis pulls out a sword and says in Japanese] This one is so sharp. I'll use it tonight. This kills very well.

So now you know who Steven Seagal the man is. I did some digging around on SS fan sites (I know, I was surprised they existed too--some people look up to anyone) and actually found a photograph of a young Steve. You know the man, now prepare to meet the boy:

But I found something wrong with this picture. Something about it just didn't seem right. I looked into it and found out that the photo had been altered. Using a supercomputer (TI-89), I recreated the original image, shown here:

Um, the thing hanging on the wall wasn't real either.

It was about this point that I realized Steven Seagal would be nothing if his name was Steven Seagul. I mean really, how many people would go to a movie with a cover like this:

I gotta go, I have a movie to make.