There is something about the past that is inherently intriguing. It offers us a glimpse into a different time. Think about those VHS tapes your parents have. You know the ones, the movies and shows taped off of TV. Sure, they don’t have the quality of the illustrious DVD, but they do have something that you can’t put a price on: old commercials. If you’ve ever popped one of these tapes in and found something recorded in the eighties, you’re in for a treat.
I believe I found a real gem that I would like to share. A couple years ago, I came in possession of a Facit typewriter. In fact, it was the New Facit Portable. Packaged with the typewriter was a six-page manual (can you even buy anything now that comes with a manual that’s less than 50 pages?) that suggests a date of 1951. What a goldmine. Without further ado, let’s inspect the mindset of 1950’s typewriter manual writers, a much neglected audience:
Page 1
Here’s my guess of what the photographer was saying to the family to get that shot:
“Timmy (Boy in blue on the left), I need you to give a half-ass wave, like you’re watching some relative you don’t like pull out of the driveway after a long day of ‘Why don’t you have a girlfriend yet’-type questions.”
“Mary (the lazy-eyed number in the middle), what I need from you is a big welcome gesture. Remember: you’re bringing a typewriter into your family, so you better damn well go stand on the porch and welcome the new-fangled invention’s arrival into your home, or it will type your entire family to death. Oh, and make sure you don’t look the same direction as everyone else.”
“Listen Todd (the tall drink of water), I know you’ve got a lazy eye worse than your darling wife, but that doesn’t mean you’re going to screw my shot up. Your job is simple: place a firm hand on your wife’s shoulder, with a grip that says ‘I’m the master of this house’ “
“You’re killing me Jeanine (the spicy brunette who also happens to own the same sweater as Timmy). I said Mary’s hand needs to be dangerously close to her son’s crotch, but it kind of ruins it when you stick your meaty paw in front of the action, now doesn’t it?”
“Finally, Susie Q (the little girl missing a thumb)…girl you’re just an angel, and I don’t have any complaints. Everything you do is swell.”
Page 2
If there’s one thing I’m getting sick of, it’s hearing about those famous Swedish craftsmen. “Famous Swedish craftsmen this, famous Swedish craftsmen that…enough!” But I’ll give them credit, because thanks to them, the Facit can “take all the beating a busy family can give it.” With Timmy cranking out paper after paper in the eighth grade, housewife Mary writing that secret little novel, and chauvinist Todd writing daily letters to
Bassmasters, it’s a wonder that the little typewriter doesn’t up and quit.
As for the photo, I think the
Busy is as busy does paragraph really sums it up. But together, they prove a powerful force for reminding women where there place is: “to type recipes, dash off letters, make up shopping lists—even to work on a correspondence course while the meatballs are cooking. And it’s quiet enough not to wake the baby.” As you can see, little Suzie is in woman training right now. Let’s take a peek and see what they’re doing. It appears Mom is checking over her book report…on shish-kabobs. You may not be able to see that from the image, but I assure you those really are shish-kabobs on the cover of the book. Let’s hope Suzie learns how to make them before her baby pops out!
I especially adore the last paragraph:
This Swedish workhorse is a beauty, too. You never have to say, “Quick, put away the typewriter, company’s coming”. The Facit portable has classic lines and smart colors to harmonize with any décor. Just leave it out, ready and waiting to get your job done.
I don’t know about families in the 1950s, but when I have people coming over, the most I usually do is pick up my skid-marked boxers from the floor. I don’t know if I’d go out of my way to hide the typewriter, no matter how hideous it may be. As for what smart colors are, I don’t know, but I have a feeling it may have to do with the sneaky little typewriter that’s “waiting to get your job done.” No, sir, I wait to get the job done. It’s not like as soon as I turn off the lights at night, the Facit slowly starts typing a letter to Aunt Chelsea, thanking her for that darling little top she bought for Suzie that matches the skirt she wore on the cover. It’s marketing like that that made people of the 1950s afraid of technology.
Thank Christ we’ve come around and have technology at our fingertips 24 hours a day. I don’t know what California bitches did before playing Tetris on their cell phones while sun-bathing by the pool.
Page 3
As you can see, the New Facit Portable is so handsome, you really
can leave it out when company is coming. In fact, I’ll be damned if it doesn’t spruce up the room. Where it looked rather dark and bleak before—despite the many sources of light readily available—a blue beacon of hope now sits front and center, threatening to capture the heart of all who pass by.
“Whoa nelly, what is that sexy beast? Mind if I run my fingers over that darling piece of machinery?”
“Why no Ted, be my guest. In fact, the typewriter has already pushed the chair out in wild anticipation of your typing task, whatever that might be.”
Pages 4 and 5
[Since it's hard to see details with both pages together, I uploaded them separately as
Page 4 and
Page 5]
I’ll be honest; it was this 2-page spread that inspired this post. I found the situation pictured was so ridiculous that it absolutely had to be shared with the world. Despite the fact that 95% of the picture has absolutely nothing to do with the product, somehow we know the typewriter in the background is really just watching over the family.
Let’s set up the scene: it’s a lazy Sunday in August. The kids are out of school, the folks have the weekend off, and there’s only one thing on everyone’s mind: TANG PARTY!
Timmy (handing his tray of cookies over to his sister Jeanine, even though the whole damn tray is within her reach): “Here you go sis. Now will you show me how to smile and drink through my teeth simultaneously?”
Mary (who has obviously given Susie Todd’s vodka-enhanced drink—look at that wild-eyed stupor, she’s blind drunk!): Yes child, drink up. The more you have, the less Todd gets…and the smaller my black eye will be tomorrow. Hurry, he knows! See how he’s leaning over there—with his zipperless pants and non-functioning pipe—he’s catching on! He’s got that I’m gonna lunge over there and smack the crap out of you look again!
Now for the bottom portion of the pages, with comments in parenthesis:
The Facit Portable can serve the whole family (as it clearly is in the photo). Don’t worry about leaving it around children (he’s much better now). It’s a good idea to let children become familiar with a typewriter (like people even use keyboards anymore…shit). And the Facit Portable is so rugged it’s virtually “child-proof.” (Let me tell you, that thing weighed about 25 pounds, and a haphazard knock to a hardwood floor would likely rupture one of its 14,000 internal delicate workings).
Surprise bonus! You won’t find another portable with a carrying case so handsome you can use it as an overnight bag or briefcase. It’s tastefully designed in black with red lining. The children will take it off to college if you’re not careful.
Not if I tell them they’re not going to college!
Impromptu guesses at the conversation taking place:
-“Mary dear, I know you’re busy packing your strange brown things for the time capsule, but can you possibly fit my Wall Street Journal? Then we’ll know when we buried it, AND I’ll be able to see how the stock market has changed!”
-“Just what in tarnation do you think you’re doing!? Oh, packing your things huh? Going to mothers, you say! I don’t think so missy. In fact, I think you’re about overdue for a newspaper beating. And don’t think I’ve forgotten about that dang typewriter lurking in the background either, I’ll take it back to Sears and Roebuck before you can say ‘But it was a birthday gift for you honey!’ “
Students say the new Facit portable easily makes the grade. Typed homework is always well received by teachers. The clean, clear Facit type faces will make an especially good impression. And the Facit has the same size keyboard schools use to teach typing.
Impromptu jump into Timmy’s mind:
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve run into my sister’s room while she was on the phone. I tell you, it was about the only time she wasn’t using the thing! What’s this, a journal! Gee whillickers, let’s read it while she’s talking to her bitch friend Stacey!
Dear Diary,
My brother Timmy is so hot in that pleather suit.
Oh God, I’ve made a horrible mistake. I need to slip out unnoticed.
