OMG!!?!

Having majored in Computer Science, you would think of all people, I would champion its wide-spread popularity. However, I’m here to lodge a complaint.

I was driving back to my apartment the other day when I noticed a certain license plate:

Note: not the actual plate, just my finest Photoshop work to date, which admittedly isn’t that great. Come on, I’m a programmer, not a graphic designer. Geez, what a caption.
OMG, in case you didn’t know, is internet slang for “Oh My God.” As if it weren’t enough that some people actually say this and LOL out loud in real life to actual people, someone found it necessary to imprint this on their license plate.

First off, there’s the point that vanity plates are typically owned by assholes. Think about it, you see plates like these:



more often than:


Right?

Second, what is the statement being made by an OMG plate? At least the aforementioned criminal sexual offender plates know their limitations—they’re bound by the desire in their fiery loins—so they don’t pull punches. What are you saying exactly, that you’re either (a) an internet addict (which is always the first thing you want to put out there when attempting actual physical contact) or (b) are in a constant state of shock and awe (and no, I won’t take any shots at our retarded little President)?

Either way, I will give this person (who I hope to happy Christcakes is a girl) the benefit of the doubt

Quick personal note: I always think of this when I hear or read the phrase “benefit of the doubt.” In sixth grade, my math teacher (who had an identical twin that also taught math—I wonder if their parents dressed them the same) caught me with a page ripped out of a dictionary. What was on the page, you ask? You know how the first word of the page is bolded at the top? Well, just imagine me handing the page to her and her eye immediately going to masturbation. Since she didn’t see me actually tear it out (which I did), she said “Look, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt. Just give me three dollars for a new one and we’ll forget about it.” That was great, because it meant I didn’t get in trouble. However, 11 years later, I’ve come to a couple realizations. First, how is paying for the dictionary getting “the benefit of the doubt?” Second, she taught me how to bribe my way out of trouble. Thanks Mrs. Mascarelli!

and say it’s possible that they weren’t intending the internet slang. I have compiled the following list of possible explanations:


Okay, that was stupid.

However, this next table will be better. I see where the trend is going. People will keep coming up with acronyms until every possible human expression can be summed up in a series of characters. My recommendations:


Yeah, that’s better.

While we’re on the topic of license plates (God how many times have I said that), I’d like to point out one that makes me angry every time I see it:


To me, this plate is presumptuous. It assumes:

1. I am currently not loving ‘em.
2. That I feel bad about this, and was only waiting for a sign from a license plate to change my ways.

Don’t think so? Well imagine if the plate said:


Wouldn’t you feel like it was telling you your life sucked but that you might as well enjoy it, because it’s all you have, you piece of crap?

Thank you, thank you. Put the Pulitzer on the mantel, next to the vase.

If you for some reason enjoy my antics, shoot me a blank email and I’ll put you on the Peanut M&Ms mailing list, which will in all likelihood have two members.